Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Is Marriage under Attack?

Is the sanctity of marriage under attack?

Our oldest and most respected institution may be under attack and no one knows quite where to turn.
Well we here at "Atheist Evolution" have gone on the hunt for answers.
In the aftermath of Prop 8 and all of the self professed marriage warriors you might think that to find someone to rail against this injustice would be easy.

Not this time

This time it appears to come from our most trusted ally in the fight to maintain traditional marriage.

Karl Rove.


KARL ROVE, you might think? Karl Rove, Bushes anti gay marriage bulldog? The political Prop 8 proponent??

Is this the same Karl Rove who made us feel safe by saying;
"Marriage is a very important part of our culture and our society. If we want to have a hopeful and decent society, we ought to aim for the ideal."

"We cannot allow activist local elected officials to thumb their nose at 5,000 years of human history and determine that marriage is something [other than the traditional definition]."

Yes, this is the very same man, who once defended the rights of traditionalists to deny others their rights for so long and so very publicly.

He has been the right denying voice of the people for so long, how could this happen, and what did he do?

Well, he is getting a divorce.


You may be shouting.

"Not when we had so many people convinced that marriage is all about commitment, love, family, and legal rights, all while successfully denying others the commitment, love, family and legal rights that they are seeking!"

How can we continue to peer into the lives and relationships of others if our marriages greatest spokesperson betrays the very foundation of marriage?

But wait, Karl has something to say.

In a statement from (someone who we assume was Karl) to us here at "Evolution of an Idiot", he defends his position as this institution's most ardent defender.

Earlier today-

"You may think that getting a divorce goes against everything I have said about marriage, and that, if I betrayed those ideals, I would be revealed as merely a hateful and bigoted little man who plays with the rights and lives of others just to suit his career while working for the most evangelical president in US history but you would be wrong to think so. I am STILL traditional marriages most valiant believer. What many of you forget is that I was married before. This is my SECOND marriage, and I believe in the sanctity of this august institution so much, and with so much fervour that I am going to free myself up to do it a third time! The world can't have enough traditional marriages in it, and I need gods blessing again. I mean I am not going to my pastor to get this divorce, so clearly marriage is not a religious thing, and the legalities and ensuring equal treatment is paramount but believe me when I say that now that I have done it twice, my belief in everything that marriage stands for is stronger than ever. So much so that I can tell you this....

Clearly this means that Karl Rove can now continue to demonstrate that his support for traditional marriage is stronger than ever by getting married for a THIRD time.

So I am sorry if I alarmed you. I am sorry if you thought that marriage was losing an ally, or that we would have to stop being so obsessed with the rights and relationships of others.
I just wanted you to hear the real story here first before crazy liberals distorted it, making Karl look like some sort of mean spirited, selfish and low brow hypocrite.

So rest easy, you can continue to fear what you don't understand, or what is unfamiliar because.....

Karl Rove is still on the job.


PS- No word as to whether or not his marriage was destroyed by the existence of gay marriage.

Stay tuned.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Santa is the reason for the season, or at least he should be.

Santa is a better holiday hero, a more moral master of festive ceremonies, and a better keeper of "christ"mas
than Christ ever was.

In a battle of the bestiary, lets look at why Santa should be at the center of our every holiday story, and why its time to retire the bronze age  head of Hanukkah (remember he WAS a Jew after all)

Here it is, Santa vs. divine Jesus in the battle of Christmas allegories. Who will teach the moral Christmas lessons to our children?

Lets find out;

On Promises

Santa actually comes when He says He will.

Jesus is about 2000 years late.

Santa promises presents and family Love for when he arrives.

Jesus promises a zombie apocalypse upon his return

I'll just hit snooze one more time, no one will notice...


On love

Santa says love your neighbor and be good, or you will get no presents

Jesus says love HIM above all or you will be tortured forever.

WAIT! It's not like that! I just mean love me or I'll torture you forever....huh, I guess it IS like that.


On charity

Santa loves even the poor, homeless and downtrodden. He even gives them jobs every year in malls around the world impersonating him.

Jesus says he loves everyone, but he doesn’t provide seasonal employment.



Santa eats and laughs “HO HO HO!”

Jesus bleeds and weeps


On voyeurism

Sadly Santa has this weakness And he seems to write a lot about what he sees (who is naughty and nice) but at least he isn’t judging us for our sex lives or butting in (pardon the pun) to tell us how to do it right. In fact he is happily married with issues of his own.

Like Santa, there is nothing closeted about Jesus’ love for voyeurism. It doesn't help that he was a sexually confused virgin who hung out with prostitutes. (On the bright side, His father is MUCH worse)

EVE! Don't cover them up, I was looking at those! 

EDGE- Even (as long as Jesus’ Dad stays out of it)

On women

Santa loves his ladies for who they are, not how they look. In fact, Mrs Claus a big woman
with a lot of self esteem.

Jesus- As long as they stay quiet in church, he likes ‘em fine


On Tolerance

Santa loves everyone, whether they love him back or not. He doesn’t extort love, and he provides for even those who don’t believe in him.

Jesus has a private club, for which the price of admission is obedience and the cost of exclusion is the threat of eternal pain.


On doing good deeds

Santa writes it all down on the good list if you actually DO good things

It is enough for Jesus if you just think about doing good things (prayer) instead of getting up off your knees and actually doing them.

Look at those guys using their arms and legs like chumps!

EDGE-Although Jesus’ way leaves more time for wrapping presents, I have to give the edge to Santa.

On his Moral Message

Santa says “be good” and he will reward you. This teaches children that being good, brings good back to them (they are expected to be able to tell right from wrong)

Jesus says “Being good is nice, but what REALLY matters, is loving ME, and obeying ME.” This teaches children blind obedience and doesn't allow for them to truly understand that morality is not just doing as you are told. It is doing what is RIGHT. PLUS, Jesus doesn't look kindly on disobedience, but can forgive immorality.

"Don't worry about those guys, they'll be fine.  LOVE ME!"

EDGE-Santa, he wants us to be good to one another. Jesus just wants obedience.

On disobedient children

Santa says.....strangely nothing, but those kids aren't likely to get much more than coal.

Jesus says "kill em" and will be pretty offended if you don't. Ask the Pharaohs!

EDGE-ummmm, lets just give Jesus a pass for old times sake here.

On Figs

Santa Loves ‘em

Jesus Hates ‘em.

EDGE- I would say even, because food tastes are so subjective, but Jesus REALLY hates figs, often going so far as to yell at them, and curse them. (Just ask the Westboro Baptist Church how much Jesus hates figs. They ARE saying “figs” aren't they?)
So I have to go with Santa, because of Jesus’ unhealthy obsession with this particular fruit.

9-0 (with one tie) in Santa's favour.


Eat it Jesus!

So if we really love our kids, lets teach our children about Santa instead of Jesus this year. He won’t threaten them if they decide not to believe one year, he won’t punish you for not loving him enough, he won’t diminish their ability to examine reality, he won’t lead them to judge his friends if they have ideas that differ from his own, but he WILL allow you to THINK about the needs of others instead of just doing what they are told.

So remember this Christmas (should we be calling it Clausmas from now on?) Jesus tells you to think about good things happening to others while you are loving him, Santa says “At least give them a call and wish them a Merry Christmas”

I have seen the morality play that is Christmas for 37 years now, and I can say that it is about time, that our seasons story matches the morality that we are trying to teach.



(At least NOW you don’t have to worry about your lovely Christmas figs)

Congratulations Santa...Now I am totally going to kill you and your fig sympathizing elves....

Or do you???