Top 5 Wierdest Things in the Bible

There are many bizarre and nonsensical stories in the bible, but these ones take the cake!  For a book loved and read by so many, it remains as crazy as Mel Gibson on a Sunday afternoon.

In the interest of fairness Atheist Evolution contacted God for an interview to give HIS take on each of these seemingly nonsensical passages in order that he might shed some light on them.

Lets take a look at the craziest stories that theists love to forget;

Number 5- Onan's fatal twist of conscience (Genesis 38:7-10)

Crazy Level- 1 Mel Gibson.

  

God kills Onan's brother, then his father commands him to have sex with his brother's widow so that the brother can have an heir (?!?), and while in the act, Onan feels guilt and pulls out before he "finishes" spilling his seed on the ground.  Onan has no issue having sex with his recently murdered brother's wife (nor with the logic that says the act will actually produce his brother's heir) but only that he might impregnate her and then be a "baby daddy".   God doesn't seem to have issue with murdering people, nor with adultery or incest, but SPILLING SEED?? That is too much, so God gets all killy on him too. 

Not only does God not seem to understand how "lineage" works, (and that Onan's priorities seem a bit ... off) but you would think that if God were writing his own biography that he might leave out the parts that make him look bad.

God's official interview response;

 "I don't mind putting down some killin' on wicked people, and I certainly don't mind not killing incestuous siblings getting some sweet sweet widow, but for Onan to ruin the money shot like that?  Unforgivable!!!  We can all agree that he had to die right?"

Is he on drugs?


Number 4- Ehud and his fatty felony (Judges 3:12-30)

Crazy level- 2 Mel Gibson's

The Israelites call out to God for him to free them from the tyranny of their King of 18 years, and he sent them Ehud, apparently a master ninja (Jewjitsu?).  What was his ninja skill?  Being left handed.  He would sneak his assassin sword in the palace because apparently no one would think to look on his RIGHT thigh, because that was pretty rare for a person to be left handed.  The problem?  His left thigh is, like, 8 inches away from his right.  HOW CAN THEY MISS THAT?

But I digress....

He is sent to kill the king, so kill him he does.  When he thrusts his well hidden (right thigh?  Really?!?) sword into the fat king's belly, the story makes more about all the gravy that spills out and how deep the sword went into his belly.  (it disappears completely)  Apparently the deeper it goes, the more evil the victim. 
The REALLY strange part?  His attendants don't check on him because they think that he is relieving himself.  They think he is relieving himself with his guest in the room with him???

They don't notice his blade because it is on his right side, and then think that their king is having a poo while his guest is giving him a gift?

They are not very clever assistants are they?

God's Interview response;

"Wow, he really was a fatty wasn't he?  I had a great time setting this one up.  I mean, clearly they had the forces to take the city without killing their king (as they did it shortly thereafter anyway) but I had made a bet with Jesus about whether the fat would just close up over the sword or not.  Clearly I won.  Omniscience, hello!"

Just a strange inclusion that goes on long enough about how fat the king was that it gets awkward.

Number 3- Elisha and Gods Righteous Wrath! (2 Kings 23-25)

Crazy Level- 3 Mel Gibson's

Elisha was an ancient superhero and generally was pretty full of awesome.  He was also bald, and from this passage we get that he was pretty sensitive about it.  In his travels we find this intrepid hero victim to a group of rowdy children's insults.  They call to him "Baldy!" and "Go on up, Baldy!"  and  "Go up that hill Baldy!"...you get the idea.  Mostly they called him Baldy with some other words thrown in for nonsensical measure.
They weren't very clever, but it DID get under his skin.  He called to God to smite them.

Smiting?  Really? Smiting children for being, well, children??

But God didn't really do it right?  NO, HE TOTALLY DID!

He sent 2 she bears to kill all 42 children.  Mauled them to death.

And then Elisha carried on his mighty way.

What could possibly be the message here?!?

God's Interview Response;

"Yea, it might SEEM like a disproportionate response, but remember it was a different time.  A time when people were used to getting mauled by bears for the most innocent of slights.  It was also a culture that really didn't appreciate being called "baldy".  That was the worst insult of the time, and since words are power, I knew that only MY magic could counteract the powerful words that those children had thrown at my prophet.  I mean how is he supposed to continue being so badass if he is always worried about how people see his bald head?  This guy killed GIANTS for me's sake!  Clearly I needed him.  Those kids got in the way.  Mans got to protect his homies!"

Silly yet bloodthirsty, Christians love to defend and explain away such bizarre oversensitivity and brutal response.


Number 2-Noah's Perverted Son (Genesis 9:20-27)

 Crazy Level- 4 Mel Gibson's

Having been out all day long working, Noah decided that drinking was the best way to end a hard day.  (I have to agree!) He passed out as very drinky people are wont to do.  Noah was obviously a strange little dude as his drunken binge was of the naked variety and when he passed out, he passed out in clear view of anyone who would enter his tent.

Completely uncovered.

This sound like penthouse forum yet?  Well here's where we change track....
He was discovered by his son.

Did his son cover up dear ol dad to save him embarrassment?  Nope, he went to tell his brothers so that they could see their wacky daddy in all his glory.

Not TOO strange yet, but Noah's reaction suggests that he did something else too.  What did he do?  Did he just stare?  Did he enjoy his "company"?  Did he rub cheese on his genitals?  Who knows, but it was serious enough that he sentenced his brother's son to slavery!

That's it.

The whole story.

God's interview response;

"I promised Noah that I would never tell.  What happens in a man's vineyard tent stays in a man's vineyard tent."

I can't even THINK of anything that this could be trying to teach.  It is just pure 200 proof nonsensihol.

How can the Bible top all this crazy?   There is one more, read on.....


Number 1- Wives Forbidden from Brushing against the genitals of ... Her Husbands Attacker! (Deuteronomy 25:11-12)

Crazy Level- 5 whole Mel Gibson's!

If a man fights with his countryman, and his wife comes to pull her husband out of the fray to save him from getting pummeled,  but she accidentally grabs his junk, the punishment mandated by God is that he show no mercy......TO HER!!!  He is to cut her hand off.



Seriously!

The price that she pays for defending her husband is having the hand that does it CUT OFF!!!

There is no rhyme or reason for this passage, it is just mere quakery!

Seriously this is nuttier than squirrel poo, and there seems to be no connection to anything else.  Just a random toked up passage from genital hating ancients (or woman hating, depending on how you see it)

God's Interview response;

"Oh, seriously?  Are you bringing THIS one up?  Ugh, I wrote that one very early on and was just answering the prayer of a man who was embarrassed by his wife grabbing his neighbours(very small) package during a perfectly reasonable fist fight.  I never thought it would come up again. She was left handed anyway, what's the big deal?  Ah, who are we kidding?  I am just trying to keep the apologists guessing.  It's fun to see how they try to make THIS one make sense!"

I have no answer to this one.  It is just too weird!

Bible?  Come on now!  Can't you just PRETEND to make some sense, at least SOME of the time??

Questions Asked- "Are Atheists the Arrogant Ones??"

Here is a question to all the Abrahamic religions today-


Just for a better concept of scale let me set the stage for it....

The universe is 14 billion years old.
There are 400 billion stars in this galaxy alone and over 100 billion other galaxies containing an equal amount.

That is a pretty big place!


How small are we?  How self important are the Abrahamic religions to think that we are the most important things in it?

How ridiculous is it for theists to continue to call we skeptics closed minded and arrogant for asking for evidence?


Well......


Only 22% is not covered by water on our planet and of that only  15% is actually habitable. So the entire universe is created for one species of creature among billions living on only 15% of one small planet in one small solar system in one small galaxy?   Egocentric?


You claim that all that time and all that space with all those hundreds of thousands of billions of stars was created for one mammalian species among millions on one small planet in one small solar system (just because you belong to that species) yet I'M the arrogant one for thinking the universe might be grander than that?


You claim to know the will and personality (let alone the name) of the being that created all that time and space yet I'M the arrogant one for asking for evidence?


You claim to be made in this perfect beings image yet I'M the arrogant one. You claim to be able to telepathically communicate with this being yet I'M the arrogant one for wondering?

You claim that you were born into the one religion or belief among millions of religions and that yours just happens to be the right one, and I'M the arrogant one?

You claim that the creator of the entire universe alters reality, controls minds, and pushes events to change merely because you think to yourself that it would be nice, and promise to love him (prayer) and I'M the arrogant one?  


While you are thinking about that....


Here is my last thought.


According to all the Abrahamic religions God created a universe of billions of billions of stars with many planets each, and that he is actually concerned about the sexual habits of one specific mammalian species on only 15% of one specific planet in one specific solar system in one specific galaxy and sometimes about the cloth (Hijab, yammukah, or headscarf) that they wear on their craniums? 


Really??

Pretty self important claims, yet I am the arrogant one?

I think that you might have some thinking to do.

Better get to it!

Targeting Children Makes you a Predator!......You listening Ray?

Don't these kids look like lying cheating little buggers?

A few days ago I heard a knock at my door, when I answered it I was met by a friend of mine with a glean of anger in his eye, and a story to tell.

I had no idea what I was in for.

He handed me 3 small business card like items and asked me to read them.
They were, at first glance, an example of the clever IQ tests that we have all seen at one time or another.  (Read the number of "f"s in the sentence, followed by the scientific explanation as to why most people can't correctly count them.  IE- here)  They can be fun to read, but these were different.  Not only did they NOT contain the explanation as to why you got the answer wrong (removing the interesting part of these exercises completely), but what they DID contain was a message of preaching and hell.

They spoke of how we are all liars, cheats, and adulterers, and how if we got the justice that was coming to us that we would all be rightfully going to hell.

I rolled my eyes and said "Ugh, I have seen this sort of thing before"

He replied "Keep reading"

These ones were particularly insidious.  They really pushed the idea of how we are all bad people, undeserving of love or "salvation", and how what we REALLY deserved was hell and torture for eternity.

How we are all liars if we have ever told even ONE lie, or cheaters if we have EVER cheated at anything, or adulterers if we have even THOUGHT about another woman with lust in our eyes.
They really couldn't say it too much that all we really deserved was to burn in torturous pain for eternity, and that although we didn't deserve it, Jesus would save us if we loved him enough.

It was an attempt to devalue good and decent people so that their perceived need for a "savior" would be increased.

Completely immoral, but nothing new.

It was the next statement that hit me in my heart.

"Guess where I found these?"

I had no idea

"My daughters Halloween bag"

I was instantly angry.  For someone to target children with this terrible message was unthinkable to me.

He continued to tell me about how she brought these mini pamphlets to him with fear in her eyes and a question on her lips.

"Am I a bad person Daddy?  Am I going to hell?"

This is a question that no child should be faced with, because it is a question of fear and self loathing.  (and a question that puts a lump in the throat of any daddy that would hear their child ask)

This is a concept that no child should be faced with, because it is a concept meant to terrorize people into blindly being "good".

Halloween is supposed to be about fun, costumes and candy, so it was beyond me to even consider that anyone would use it as a sneaky opportunity to target OTHER PEOPLES CHILDREN for their self loathing message of terror.

If you target children in order to terrorize them for ANY purpose, then you are a predator.

That is right.  You are a child predator.  Someone who preys on children with a message of fear, and threats of torture if they refuse to believe as you do.

There are not many things that are lower than that.

It makes me sad to think of my friends daughter scared on Halloween night for all the wrong reasons.
I just don't understand how anyone can feel it is OK to tell a child how terrible a person he or she is and feel good about doing it.  It escapes me how anyone could think of a child who is too young to babysit and then think that it is OK to threaten them with hellfire and torture.

I will say it again, people who use other peoples children to perpetuate their beliefs are predators.  It is made even worse if their goal is to make them feel like bad people at tender childhood ages.  As adults we are supposed to enable their sense of self worth, and to assist them in formulating the tools to be able to think for themselves.  It goes completely against everything that makes US good people to target children with messages of hate.

SHAME on whomever put this in that little girls bag, and in every bag they had held up in trust for candy that night.  SHAME on those people for taking advantage of a fun night to twist it to your own purposes.
SHAME on everyone who feels that it is up to them to teach other peoples kids their own version of reality and a DOUBLE dose of shame for those who feel that it is their right to tell ANY children how bad they are to the core.

Understand that if you are one of these people, then you have some serious introspection to do about how you attempt to get your "message" out.
Understand that if you are one of these people who prey on trusting children to tell them how horrible they are then I have something to tell you again;

You are a predator.


But wait, there's lots of blame to go around....


There was a web address at the bottom of the card

http://www.livingwaters.com/

AH!  Now it makes sense!





"The Banana man" Ray Comfort is the man behind it all.





I DO NOT want to deflect any blame from the people who actually pervert the Halloween night of fun (or any day for that matter) in order to preach this message of hell-terror and self loathing to children, but it is important to note that there are other people involved.

Ray Comfort and his ministry are the ones who recruit and condone these actions, and who actually provide these awful cards to pass out to people.  He also provides an example as to WHO should be targeted.

His is a ministry which sets up booths at county fairs where children are asked to take a test to see whether or not they are going to hell.  The answer is always "yes".
His is a ministry that targets the sick and elderly to tell them that their time is growing short to avoid going to hell.

How immoral is that?!?

He makes a practice of targeting the weak, the ignorant, and the vulnerable.

Ray, here is my message to you;

Until now I have seen you as a bit of a sideshow.

I have seen you as an ignorant preacher talking about science that you have no idea what you are talking about, as a ridiculous debater (I know that was Kirk Cameron.  He is Ray's sidekick, and Ray was complicit in the design of that graphic and in making that ridiculous point) but up until now I have never seen you as a harmful influence.

Really Ray???

Now I see you for who you are.

A predator.

Not only do you target children with your hurtful and disabling message, but you target the terminally ill and the elderly with your message of fear and terror. 

You are a machiavellian predator who feels that the ends justifies the means when it comes to spreading your version of reality.

You have every right to yell to the sky all the outrageous and ridiculous things that you want, but to be sneaky and to target other peoples children for the purpose of ideological subterfuge is immoral and when you consider the emotionally disabling nature of those messages it becomes hateful as well.

Come on now Ray.......

Making little girls cry?

Targeting the elderly and sometimes dying people to threaten them with hell so that they will "get their affairs in order"?

I am sorry to be the one to tell you.....

You are a predator, and should be watched very carefully.

If you disagree, then lets see your next blog be about NOT targeting children with messages that they can't possibly understand.  I challenge you to write about how we should teach our children to possess all the intellectual tools that they need to succeed, and leave the ideologies until they are old enough to understand them.

Lets hear you say publicly how you won't target the vulnerable, the elderly, the sick, and the young with your self deprecating messages any longer.

Ray, step up, lets see you promise to keep the discussion (and threats) where it belongs, and not target people who are too young to know better, or too infirmed to be ethically involved by you.

Because if you don't, or if you can't, then we will all be able to see you for what you are........

Do I need to say it again?








Lead pic taken from here (oh the irony)

Atheist Haiku of the Month- Remembrance Day Edition.

Atheist or not
Soldiers fight for our future
Remember them all

Dedicated to my friend "Boots" and his family.
We miss you.