Monday, November 22, 2010

Top 5 Wierdest Things in the Bible

There are many bizarre and nonsensical stories in the bible, but these ones take the cake!  For a book loved and read by so many, it remains as crazy as Mel Gibson on a Sunday afternoon.

In the interest of fairness Atheist Evolution contacted God for an interview to give HIS take on each of these seemingly nonsensical passages in order that he might shed some light on them.

Lets take a look at the craziest stories that theists love to forget;

Number 5- Onan's fatal twist of conscience (Genesis 38:7-10)

Crazy Level- 1 Mel Gibson.


God kills Onan's brother, then his father commands him to have sex with his brother's widow so that the brother can have an heir (?!?), and while in the act, Onan feels guilt and pulls out before he "finishes" spilling his seed on the ground.  Onan has no issue having sex with his recently murdered brother's wife (nor with the logic that says the act will actually produce his brother's heir) but only that he might impregnate her and then be a "baby daddy".   God doesn't seem to have issue with murdering people, nor with adultery or incest, but SPILLING SEED?? That is too much, so God gets all killy on him too. 

Not only does God not seem to understand how "lineage" works, (and that Onan's priorities seem a bit ... off) but you would think that if God were writing his own biography that he might leave out the parts that make him look bad.

God's official interview response;
 "I don't mind putting down some killin' on wicked people, and I certainly don't mind not killing incestuous siblings getting some sweet sweet widow, but for Onan to ruin the money shot like that?  Unforgivable!!!  We can all agree that he had to die right?"

Is he on drugs?

Number 4- Ehud and his fatty felony (Judges 3:12-30)

Crazy level- 2 Mel Gibson's

The Israelites call out to God for him to free them from the tyranny of their King of 18 years, and he sent them Ehud, apparently a master ninja (Jewjitsu?).  What was his ninja skill?  Being left handed.  He would sneak his assassin sword in the palace because apparently no one would think to look on his RIGHT thigh, because that was pretty rare for a person to be left handed.  The problem?  His left thigh is, like, 8 inches away from his right.  HOW CAN THEY MISS THAT?

But I digress....

He is sent to kill the king, so kill him he does.  When he thrusts his well hidden (right thigh?  Really?!?) sword into the fat king's belly, the story makes more about all the gravy that spills out and how deep the sword went into his belly.  (it disappears completely)  Apparently the deeper it goes, the more evil the victim. 
The REALLY strange part?  His attendants don't check on him because they think that he is relieving himself.  They think he is relieving himself with his guest in the room with him???

They don't notice his blade because it is on his right side, and then think that their king is having a poo while his guest is giving him a gift?

They are not very clever assistants are they?

God's Interview response;
"Wow, he really was a fatty wasn't he?  I had a great time setting this one up.  I mean, clearly they had the forces to take the city without killing their king (as they did it shortly thereafter anyway) but I had made a bet with Jesus about whether the fat would just close up over the sword or not.  Clearly I won.  Omniscience, hello!"

Just a strange inclusion that goes on long enough about how fat the king was that it gets awkward.

Number 3- Elisha and Gods Righteous Wrath! (2 Kings 23-25)

Crazy Level- 3 Mel Gibson's

Elisha was an ancient superhero and generally was pretty full of awesome.  He was also bald, and from this passage we get that he was pretty sensitive about it.  In his travels we find this intrepid hero victim to a group of rowdy children's insults.  They call to him "Baldy!" and "Go on up, Baldy!"  and  "Go up that hill Baldy!" get the idea.  Mostly they called him Baldy with some other words thrown in for nonsensical measure.
They weren't very clever, but it DID get under his skin.  He called to God to smite them.

Smiting?  Really? Smiting children for being, well, children??

But God didn't really do it right?  NO, HE TOTALLY DID!

He sent 2 she bears to kill all 42 children.  Mauled them to death.

And then Elisha carried on his mighty way.

What could possibly be the message here?!?

God's Interview Response;
"Yea, it might SEEM like a disproportionate response, but remember it was a different time.  A time when people were used to getting mauled by bears for the most innocent of slights.  It was also a culture that really didn't appreciate being called "baldy".  That was the worst insult of the time, and since words are power, I knew that only MY magic could counteract the powerful words that those children had thrown at my prophet.  I mean how is he supposed to continue being so badass if he is always worried about how people see his bald head?  This guy killed GIANTS for me's sake!  Clearly I needed him.  Those kids got in the way.  Mans got to protect his homies!"

Silly yet bloodthirsty, Christians love to defend and explain away such bizarre oversensitivity and brutal response.

Number 2-Noah's Perverted Son (Genesis 9:20-27)

 Crazy Level- 4 Mel Gibson's

Having been out all day long working, Noah decided that drinking was the best way to end a hard day.  (I have to agree!) He passed out as very drinky people are wont to do.  Noah was obviously a strange little dude as his drunken binge was of the naked variety and when he passed out, he passed out in clear view of anyone who would enter his tent.

Completely uncovered.

This sound like penthouse forum yet?  Well here's where we change track....
He was discovered by his son.

Did his son cover up dear ol dad to save him embarrassment?  Nope, he went to tell his brothers so that they could see their wacky daddy in all his glory.

Not TOO strange yet, but Noah's reaction suggests that he did something else too.  What did he do?  Did he just stare?  Did he enjoy his "company"?  Did he rub cheese on his genitals?  Who knows, but it was serious enough that he sentenced his brother's son to slavery!

That's it.

The whole story.

God's interview response;
"I promised Noah that I would never tell.  What happens in a man's vineyard tent stays in a man's vineyard tent."

I can't even THINK of anything that this could be trying to teach.  It is just pure 200 proof nonsensihol.

How can the Bible top all this crazy?   There is one more, read on.....

Number 1- Wives Forbidden from Brushing against the genitals of ... Her Husbands Attacker! (Deuteronomy 25:11-12)

Crazy Level- 5 whole Mel Gibson's!

If a man fights with his countryman, and his wife comes to pull her husband out of the fray to save him from getting pummeled,  but she accidentally grabs his junk, the punishment mandated by God is that he show no mercy......TO HER!!!  He is to cut her hand off.


The price that she pays for defending her husband is having the hand that does it CUT OFF!!!

There is no rhyme or reason for this passage, it is just mere quakery!

Seriously this is nuttier than squirrel poo, and there seems to be no connection to anything else.  Just a random toked up passage from genital hating ancients (or woman hating, depending on how you see it)

God's Interview response;
"Oh, seriously?  Are you bringing THIS one up?  Ugh, I wrote that one very early on and was just answering the prayer of a man who was embarrassed by his wife grabbing his neighbours(very small) package during a perfectly reasonable fist fight.  I never thought it would come up again. She was left handed anyway, what's the big deal?  Ah, who are we kidding?  I am just trying to keep the apologists guessing.  It's fun to see how they try to make THIS one make sense!"

I have no answer to this one.  It is just too weird!

Bible?  Come on now!  Can't you just PRETEND to make some sense, at least SOME of the time??


  1. @no#2 The assassin left the room before the king "relieves himself" and the blade was concealed by his fat. that's how the servants didn't know

  2. Thanks for the laughs Jay, too bad the same book is taken seriously enough to kill for... Nuttier than Squirrel poo indeed.

  3. @Doug. The assassin left silently through the window without the guards knowing and the "concealed" sword in his belly makes no difference because they didn't even enter the room because they assumed he was relieving himself. They would have had to assume that he was doing it with the assassin in the room.

  4. Jason...why aren't you writing for Saturday Night Live? You are one of the cleverest/creative people I have ever met!! If you are hired however, make sure Mel isn't ever a co-host :) I'm looking foward to your future blogs.