Thursday, September 10, 2009

Bizarre Bible Lessons-Part 2


Communication is the key to any relationship

Found in: Numbers 22:28-30

In a society filled with new age solutions to everything from depression to marital bliss, we find that the bible once again has the answers. Turn to the old ways of mutual communication and respect. No more need for birthing sessions, for psycho analysis, for therapy and no more need for divorce. Just follow the example of the donkey in the story of Balaam.

One day Balaam (a business man just minding his business) was walking down a path with his donkey and two man servants on his way to the princes house, when one of those bully angels appeared, sword drawn, blocking his path. The donkey saw this and, as donkeys are logical creatures, ran away to save his master. Balaam wasn’t afraid of one little bully angel, so he was furious that the donkey had made him look like a wuss in front of his friends and beat that ass. "Now taketh me back to the path, jerk donkey!" he commanded. When they returned to the path, the bully angel was gone so they continued until the walls of a vineyard made the path narrow. Much to their dismay, blocking the path was the bully angel! Balaam wasn't going to take this from anyone, but the donkey had other plans. He wasn't going to stand here while his beloved master, the man who so kindly feeds him, allows him to carry all his stuff and who lets him stay tied up in the front of his house, got beat up by this bully. So he tried to run again. The donkey however is an animal of very poor foresight, so when he tried to run in the narrow pathway he crushed his masters foot against the wall. Balaam was furious now. Not only did the donkey make him look like a wuss (twice!) for trying to running away, but now he jammed his foot? There had to be a reckoning. He took his whip and began to beat donkey again. "Now get up and let’s face this bully, you jerk" Said Balaam. The donkey, seeing that his options were limited by space and the fury of his usually very reasonable master, fell to the ground cowering. "THAT IS IT!!!" sayeth Balaal. "The whip ist too good for thou, now feeleth the terrible sting of my staff!!!"
Now the donkey had taken quite enough of this abuse. After all, he was only looking out for his master. "What’s up?" Said the donkey "Why do you keep beating me? What did I ever do to you?"
Thinking nothing of the talking Donkey, Balaal quickly replied "Because you are a jerk and jerks deserve beatings. At least jerks who don't serveth me well as non jerk donkeys would. I wish that I had a sword, because I HATE jerk donkeys and I would choppeth you into many bits. THAT would teach you a lesson."
The donkey considered these words, thought about swearing or getting into a braying match but decided that talking things through might better enable a healthy relationship, especially with the bully angel still waiting to hand out his bullying. "Aren't I your donkey? Don't I let you ride me and stuff? Don't I carry your things and eat your garbage? Have I ever beaten you, when you make ME angry?" he reasoned.
Balaal was not an unreasonable man. He thought hard about what the jerk donkey had said. "No, it is true. You never beat me. Maybe you aren't a jerk donkey after all"

The bully angel saw this reconciliation and softened. "If your donkey had not turned from the path, I would have killed you. Seeing how you two made up has made me reconsider my killing you. Now that you two have made up, I will give you my mercy, mercy in the form of going to the princes house and saying nothing of this but what I let you say." He went to the princes, they had a great time sacrificing animals together (no jerk donkeys though) and people were so impressed with him not saying anything about what him being such an ass to his ass (which they had no idea about in the first place) that Balaal got lots of presents, and went to see all the grooviest things in Baal.
And the donkey? He was happy to carry all those presents and with no more beatings.

Moral; If you promise to keep your mouth shut about the bad things you do, rewards will come your way.
Remember that the word of god comes from the most unlikely of places and that sometimes he might even speak out his ass.

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