Saturday, September 12, 2009

Bizarre Bible Lessons-Part 3


Found in Mark 11:13-14

This is a hard lesson for some. When do we obey? When do we think for ourselves? Well the bible lays this out very carefully in more than a few places if we are careful enough to see it. One such place is in a story from the pages of Mark, about Jesus and a walking trip to a far away temple in the town of Bethany.

So in this recounting of a clearly true event, we have Jesus walking all the way from Bethany, so understandably the messiah is a tad hungry. Having no water or loaves of bread to fashion into a feast he decides to look around.
he thought, "They're freakin awesome!" and he set about to find a tree to bear him lunch. When the holiest of holies and most pious messiah found this tree he approached it, giddy that soon he should ease his craving for figgy goodness. He approached this tree and his stomach fell when he spied the shock of all shocks.
It had no fruit!!!

Just because it's out of fig season, I have to stand here figless? I am the friggin son of GOD!" he said to the tree "NOW I am pissed. For the crime of not having fruit on you when it is convenient for me, regardless of the season, I have half a mind to use my magic to make you unable to give figs to ANYONE."

the tree remained figless

"You think I can't do it? I did it before. Ask the fig tree that annoyed me thusly in matthew 21:19!"

The fig tree stood motionless, almost defiant at Jesus words,
and still without figs.

"You force my hand disobediant fig tree."Jesus' magic swelled in his belly (or wherever magic swells when it is about to be used) and said
"No one will eat of your branches now and forever, I say this in my name!"
It was done.
The terrible tree was reduced to its roots, having learned its lesson. Jesus, still annoyed and more than a bit cranky from hunger and his complete lack of figgy satisfaction, thought that a bit of smiting might help to cheer him up. Distracted with the new direction that his day was about to take, he proceeded to violently take out his figless frustrations on the vendors who set up shop in his temple for completely ignoring the "no vendors" sign. With a new found vigour he went to work flipping tables, destroying wares, whipping people and yelling about the sign everyone ignored but through it all one thought resonated in his mind;

"Stupid fig tree"

Moral- Never forget that we are here only to serve every irrational whim and pleasure, never forget or he will smite you!


  1. Odd how he didn't know that the tree would be bare. He could have done a real miracle by creating some figs from nothing, dirt or anything else on hand.

  2. You fail to mention that he saw the tree from afar and it had leaves. Figs often have fruit before they have leaves, it is called "1st fruit". Also in that part of the world figs often have fruit all year, look it up! He simply said, "No one will eat of your branches now and forever". What good is a fig that has no fruit? It did not live up to it's purpose, it did not share it's fruit... What good is a christian who does not share his knowledge of GOD? That's the meaning, you look only on the surface, this is not a book you are used to...
    The words are used to share a deeper thought...beyond the obvious! If I were GOD and I wanted to give a book to people to learn of me and my teaching, "obviously I can't do it in person, who would fail to worship me, I can assure you if you saw me raise the dead, stand in fire turn you into a tree and back again there would be worship, but not true worship, or love by faith, but by fear that would not be real love". If I put a gun to you're head and said on you're knees love me and worship me would you're action be real?, from the heart?", My book would be the most published book in the history of the world, a book that has been studied in part or in whole for 2000 years and still gives new meaning to it's readers, amazing...

  3. Really will??? Really?

    Are you actually making excuses for Jesus losing his temper with a fig tree? It doesn't matter if it could give fruit or not. IT IS A TREE! It can't be disobedient, and a more useful action would to have blessed it so that it would bear fruit for all. Not get mad at it and curse it to a punishment.


    (I am VERY used to the bible actually, I was a christian for 30 years)

  4. Reading Wills comment again it still astounds me that he says if HE were god that lessons would be best taught by telling retarded and nonsensical stories from which no one could gather wisdom except in retrospect and through careful apologetics.

    Funny Will.

  5. God damn fig tree.

  6. Indeed! How dare it show up Jesus in front of his homies? I would be mad too!