The Devil is in the Vatican

On March 10, 2010 Rev. Gabriele Amorth, the chief exorcist of the Vatican (this is a full time job?!?), said "the Devil is at work inside the Vatican," and that "when one speaks of ‘the smoke of Satan’ in the holy rooms, it is all true—including these latest stories of violence and pedophilia."

So the good news is that they are officially admitting that something sinister, and by their definition evil, is going on in the Vatican.

The bad news is that something sinister and, by their definition evil, is going on in the Vatican.

From the popes brother slapping around choir boys to the papal aide's prostitution ring, to the excommunication of the families of little girls for consenting to life saving surgery (and the retention of the vile rapist who made that surgery necessary), to the continual allegations of sexual abuse by church officials, to the lies and condemnation of condoms and birth control that the church offers as truth to countries dying at alarming rates from AIDS, the Papal city has been a conflagration of evil for years now.
The worst thing is that the Pope, the catholic churches moral and spiritual guide, is himself at the centre of it all, and has provided a framework and a safe haven within which these predators can operate.
The Vatican is looking more and more like the very model of an tyrannical oligarchy. A group of elites who demand dogmatic morality as their set of rule, but see themselves as above judgment BY that moral code. Trust is their currency, but secrecy is their economy and the price WE pay is the welfare of our children.

In a document drafted by the now Pope (called the Crimen Sollicitationis)and sent to all of the bishops during Ratzingers appointment as the head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (the Vatican office responsible for investigating abuse claims) he delineated very clearly the Vatican's policy on what to do if claims of sexual abuse arise.

Cover it up.

That's right. The man who was the head of the department for investigating claims of sexual abuse, outlined a policy of silence for incidents of child rape. Children under the care of men whom society is supposed to trust were entrusted to those who had been given the papal green light to rape and abuse them with no real consequence. Not only was the order for secrecy given, but a statute of limitations was placed on that particular obstruction of justice.

"Until the age of 18, then 10 more years"

What was the penalty for disobedience if one moral priest took a stand?
His career.
The rules were outlined with the explicit instruction that it was "under pain of excommunication" to defy his edict.

Does that place the blame on the Pope for the rape, pain and suffering of those innocents? I say that it does. While he didn't pull the trigger (or the zipper), he DID create a culture of secrecy around this terrible crime. He created a framework in which the rapists KNEW that they would likely not be held accountable, and face little more than embarrassment from their superiors.
He became the head of an effort to suppress any "embarrassing story", and created the priestly shuffle as the solution and the punishment.

Enraged yet? You should be.

If not, then lets talk about something more personal than just setting out immoral rules of conduct.

How about the case of an 11-year-old German boy identified as Wilfried F.? He was taken on a vacation trip to the mountains by a priest. After that, he was given alcohol, locked in a bedroom, stripped, and forced to give the priest oral sex.
That priest was transferred from Essen to Munich for ‘therapy’ by then-Archbishop Joseph Ratzinger, with assurances that he would no longer have children in his care. Very shortly after this, Vicar General Gerhard Gruber who was Ratzinger’s deputy, returned him to ‘pastoral’ work, where he carried on his career of rape and abuse.
THERAPY?? How dare he decide what the penalty should be? How dare he fire and forget at this problem. He moved the offender, and hoped for the best. Hoped at the cost of children's safety.

This is only ONE telling of many stories like this.

But if this crime isn't enough to condemn this cowardly bastard of a man, we can look at some of his other indiscretions.

This isn't his only crime, although it would be enough for me to see a desire for his arrest and jailing.

He has repeatedly lied about the situation of AIDS in Africa, saying that condoms make the AIDS problem worse, and preaching that they are against the faith to those who are suffering. This contributes to an epidemic spread of the disease that kills millions a year.
Not enough? How about his unreasoning hatred for gays?
He has publicly stated that gay marriage is a threat to all of creation and is reason for concerns about our environment. Even going so far as to say that "saving mankind from homosexuality" is as important as saving the rain-forests.
This kind of statement would be branded hate speech if his white robe was to extend in a pointed hat covering all but his eyes. The only thing that is missing is the burning cross. How does he get away with it? How do we let him?

Christian privilege.

He has lit the fires of hatred under a witch hunt for gays in the priesthood. Rooting them out whenever he can. In the seminary, candidates must undergo a psychological screening to ensure that they lust for the right gender. He has even gone so far as to call it an "objective disorder"

Does it seem strange that he is rooting out the homosexuals with such verve, but is completely unconcerned with identifying pedophiles with the same panicked effort?
It does if you live as the highest official to an organization whose skewed moral compass leads a faith based group that believes his authority comes from God himself.
He has repeatedly placed children in danger, by shuffling pedophiles to new places for them to hunt for the prey.
Prey in the form of our children.

We may not be able to stop the pedophiles before they act, but we can speak out against the monster who allows it.
We can make the pedophiles pay for what they have done, instead of merely having to move.


This is a message to Catholics;

I know that you have your faith, and I am not using this space to argue its merits.
I know that you believe that faith comes at a price, even the bible says that it will.
But I also know that you love your children.
There are parameters for every belief, for every dogma, for every set of morals, outside which we simply can't live.
A border that just can't be crossed.
Are you willing to set that border to such a distance that it will encompass sacrificing the safety of your children?
Are you willing to send them to a place that has a directive from its senior member to ENSURE that abuses of your children will be ignored and kept secret?
My hope is that, no matter how strong your faith, that the cost of your faith, does not include your children's well-being and safety.

My mother once told me;
"When a person shows you who they are" (as the pope has shown us for years)

"Believe them"

He has shown himself to be a hateful, immoral, unreasoning, monster in the past.

You know what?

I believe him.

The devil IS at work in the Vatican, and his name is Joseph Alois Ratzinger.






Rev Ratzinger slaps children in choir
http://bit.lycmrxAg

Papal Prostition ring
http://bit.ly/9QMfu5

GIrls family ecommunicated for 9 year olds life saving abortion
http://bit.ly/9SPyTd

Rapist step fathers crime "not serious enough" http://bit.ly/9SPyTd

Pope lies and says that Condoms make AIDS problem worse
http://bit.ly/c0dxQQ

Saving mankind from gays more important than preserving rain-forest.
http://bit.ly/TGNA2

Ninja reputation and culture under attack!

Ninjas have been around for thousands of years, and during that time they have garnered much respect as stealthy fighting legends. During the shadow warrior’s 2500 year reign, no single group has ever made a serious push to generate the fear and respect that Ninjas enjoy.
Their number one spot on the terror list has long belonged to shinobi, and it has been largely unchallenged, until now.

Who could challenge the ninja? The legendary dark warrior? The silent assassin?

Who could supplant them as the leaders in terror and fighting skill?

Shaolin monks? A
re these sequestered peaceniks coming out of hiding to bend spear tips on their chests in public and demand our obedience? Will they do finger-stands and amaze us into fearing them? Will their bald heads shining light on us inspire terror? No, likely not. The skill is clearly there, but the will to bring fear to the masses is not. The mystery surrounds them, but they bump their knees on furniture in the dark.
Besides, can you really fear vegetarians?

Who then?

Republicans? I mean intelligent people all over the world fear them now. Bush made sure of that and Palin and the tea party have entrenched that fear in the fabric of the culture that we live in. But can they really challenge ninjas?

No, I would say not. They are not easily disarmed and are extremely tenacious but they are not well armed and republicans make fools of themselves without any outside influence.
Ninjas don't like being laughed at.
As a matter of fact, mocking only moves at 4 times the speed of the internet, and ninjas are already in your kitchen making sandwiches and looking at your family albums while they wait for you to come home in that time. They are killing you for mocking them before the thought has fully formed in your head.
So I don't think republicans are a good competitor here.

No, the new villain that I am speaking of are learning their skills in new fighting schools that cater to their special killing needs. These are Muslim women who, while wearing the niqab, are studying martial arts in Britain. Dozens of new schools are appearing every day to teach them the fighting arts. They say they are protecting themselves against a new anti Islam violence, I say that is a convenient excuse to get out the niqab and inspire fear.



I call them ninjabis.(pronounced ninj-abies)

Think about it. They are already shrouded in mystery, they can blend into the darkness and they are backed by the fear that extremist Islam has created all over the world and their holy book contains more instruction of who to kill and when than any other tome.
For years Islamic men have been spreading their terrible beliefs and bringing terror (whether it is warranted or not), now they are in a perfect position to join the ranks of the silent killers.


Ninjabis.


They are used to not making eye contact, to staying in the background and trying to stay unnoticed, to concealing their identities as individuals, and they are perfectly suited to night operations. Who better to undermine the reputation that ninjas have tried so hard to develop?

They say that the meek shall inherit the earth, maybe they will do that inheriting by ninjabi chopping and head kicking!

The ninja only have one natural enemy, Samurai. Since Samurai have been disarmed as of the late 1800's with the no weapons edict, ninjas rarely come up against any real competition. But now that the ninjabi are around, that might change.

Every creature has a natural enemy, so who can stand this terrible new threat?

Who can defang the dogmatic snake?

Who will emerge as the natural enemy to these dangerous ninjabis?

Who could possibly defeat such a being?

A being whose only weaknesses and natural enemies are their husbands, the Quran, Allah, stonings, sexual guilt, genital mutilations, and simple lustful glances cursing them for someone else's thoughts.


Hmmmm maybe the ninjas are safe after all.....

What would YOU do if you were god?

How would YOU design creation?

Would you hide yourself?

Would you make your words open to abuse and interpretation?

Would you include terrible stories to be told in your name?

Would you make creatures whose very existence is to make another being suffer?

Would you make the reproductive act so very enjoyable and then cover it with guilt and have it end in the most painful of experiences?

Would you create beings who would fight each other and kill each other for petty reasons?

And would you be so insecure a supreme being as to care so deeply about being loved by them that you would torture them forever if they decided not to like you, or even believe you existed?

Or would you do something different?

I would give my creations a stable world to live in, one without unpredictable volcanoes and fault lines, without destructive weather patterns, and without conditions that were so harsh that they can and would kill those left in them. I just wouldn't THINK of making my creations world a harsh and inhospitable environment. Seems mean.

I would give them the ability to see me, and know that I was real, or to hide myself so completely that they wouldn't know I was there at all. This seems to be the way to keep them from dividing themselves along the lines of misunderstanding about me.

I would design bodies that were more efficient. Eyes that saw with no blind spot. Knees that were meant to withstand the rigors of being upright. A spine that was more curved so as to absorb shock more fully. I would not invent disease in the first place. To design a body that inherently causes pain in those who inhabit them seems malicious.

I would give them the gift of free thought, and then not punish them for using it. I would merely reveal to them, while they were living, why it might not be the best choice, and how it affects others. To give anything but the best mentoring to those in your charge seems irresponsible.

I would love them all equally, and ensure that wars and hatred didn't exist in my name. When people were in need, I would speak to them, and tell them that it will be ok. I mean appear individually and talk. Not just send a "feeling" of not being alone. I real tangible talk. Something that would assist in the healing process and not just drive a person to deeper delusion.

I would honour evidence and a robust standard of science. This would be the highest use of the free will and intellect that I could imagine, and I would honour those people who helped their race by discovering new and fascinating ways to interact with reality as saints. For it would be them who truly appreciated what I had given them.

I would ensure that women enjoyed guilt free sex, and understood that sex has no moral component. It would be my gift to them, and a gift that is to be enjoyed equally by men and women.

I would not enjoy seeing people on their knees nearly as much as I would enjoy seeing them on their feet, laughing, jumping, kissing, laughing, and singing.

That would be the whole point of MY creation, so see them loving and living as though it was a gift, and not one to be wasted in servitude but to be spent in the rapture of joy before coming to my house to watch the joy of all those who come after.

In short, my creation would make sense, make love, respect science, love life and live in the light of love of one another.

Doesn't that sound better?

What would YOU do?

A message (and some advice) to all the young earth creationists out there.

If the universe is less than 10,000 years old, then;
all that we know about geology and biology is wrong;
the speed of light has been wrongly calculated which means;
Einsteinian physics is wrong and;
the distance and speed of other galaxies has been wrongly calculated,which means that all we know about astronomy is wrong which means that;
Newtonian physics is also wrong.

"For ...informed people to challenge accepted scientific orthodoxy on the basis of proper evidence is always healthy, but to debunk the whole of science on the back of a story passed down by some Iron Age goat-herders is just self-delusion" -Niel Butcher

There is just too much evidence against the universe being only 10000 years old or less. This is not belief, it is purposeful delusion to espouse this as a belief.

It is true...FACT...not up for debate....

It is one thing to argue about things that can't be proven or falsified in the name of your "beliefs", it is quite another to ignorantly tread into the realm of what we know to be fact and yell at the top of your lungs "LIAR!".

We may not be able to tell you with certainty that there is no god, but there are a few things that we CAN say for certain.

The flood didn't happen;
Evolution is true and;
The earth isn't less than 10,000 years old.

To all those who still believe this (to the harm and detriment of you and your children) I will dare to tread into the metaphysical realm where beliefs are not required to be supported by evidence and yell at the top of MY lungs......

READ A BOOK!!!!

Beliefs are not due any respect

Beliefs are not due any respect.

People are.

Would you respect my belief if I said that the moon was made of green cheese or would you call it silly even though you respected me?

Would you respect my belief if I said that I believed that goblins made my garden grow or would you think me a bit off for putting out a bucket of cheese for them every night?

Would you respect my belief if I thanked the devil for all that we know because I thought he had been given a bad rap for all his supposed wrongdoings?

What if I said that I believed that the holocaust never happened and that I thought it was propaganda?

Would you respect that?

Likely not.

Nor should you.

They are ridiculous things to say.

That is my whole point, beliefs are not due any respect merely because we espouse them as beliefs.
They are only due respect if we can show that they are true, or that they have useful relevance to reality.

What is ridiculous are people who expect "respect" for unfounded and bizarre claims about reality when they go against everything that we know to be true.

What is ridiculous are people who hide behind the statement "it is what I believe" with the full expectation of it not to be questioned merely because it is a belief.

What is ridiculous are people who hold beliefs which are hateful, harmful and interfering under the guise of morality merely because they are religious.

Beliefs inform actions, and actions must be justifiable.

So far, religious beliefs are not,

and that is why I don't respect them.

Why I support banning the burqa

This is a very sensitive topic, and I am not sure why. People argue that the burqa is merely clothing and that laws restricting what clothing people can wear is against our very fundamental freedom of expression, freedom of religion, not to mention our sexual autonomy.

Let me say only this;

The burqa is NOT merely clothing, it is not just a dress or a costume,

It is a MESSAGE.

It is a message that communicates the subjugation, abuse, oppression, subservience and the demoralizing defeat of women. It is a choice only if there is no reprisal for those who choose not to wear it. It is a choice only if the religion that demands it does not also allow for their husbands to beat them for NOT wearing it. It is a choice only if the final penalty for apostasy was not death.

It is subjugation, and sometimes it is done with consent.

Forget that husbands, fathers, and sharia law can lay very harsh punishments on those women who don't want to wear it.

Forget that even the women who choose this subjugation are indoctrinated in the fear of disobedience.

Forget that those women who choose it are brainwashed from the time that they were little about how it is moral to wear it, and that only immodest women would forgo the tent of oppression that is the burqa.

Forget these things, and lets only think of the few who choose it out of ignorance, and out of a sense of distance from the actual abuses.

Abuses that are alive and well and even accepted and expected in Islam. Genital mutilation, honour killings, domestic abuse, these things are all condoned by Islam and even commanded by Sharia and the Quran. So do we forget all that in deference to the few who "choose" it?

The fact remains that the happy slave is still a slave. Even though the happy slave is merely the one who hasn't tested the boundaries of disobedience, they all know the price that they would pay.

Is it for modesty?

What is modest about wearing a tent? What is modest about making a spectacle of yourself? How can dehumanizing yourself and taking away any sense of individuality be modest? How can wearing it because you are NOT ALLOWED to be seen by other males outside of family be seen as anything but letting yourself be property?

It is a symbol.

A permission to abuse.

A garment that never lets them forget who they belong to,

and a sign of their terrible forced supplication.

It is not a choice in the normal sense of the word. If you had a choice to make with a gun to your head, was it really a choice?
By saying that it is a clothing choice and a religious belief are we not making victims the authors of their own subjugation?

The burqa is a sign of the male domination over women, and one that their religion colours women to accept.

What about the security implications? How can we allow them into banks? How can we allow them to care for our children, or to pick them up at school if the teachers can't even identify them? How can we let them into government buildings if we have no way of knowing who they are? How can we allow them into shops and know that the shopkeepers don't have the luxury of being able to ID their guests?

Would YOU be allowed to do these things in a hockey mask or a nylon stocking?

No?

Then why should THEY be?

I understand that it is not the entire problem, not even close. But if we are to start somewhere, lets start by giving these women back their individuality. For crying out loud, these women are people.
We all know this, lets allow THEM to know it too, by not allowing their religion or their men to take it away from them.

Is Marriage under Attack?

Is the sanctity of marriage under attack?

Our oldest and most respected institution may be under attack and no one knows quite where to turn.
Well we here at "Atheist Evolution" have gone on the hunt for answers.
In the aftermath of Prop 8 and all of the self professed marriage warriors you might think that to find someone to rail against this injustice would be easy.

Not this time

This time it appears to come from our most trusted ally in the fight to maintain traditional marriage.

Karl Rove.

WHAT?!?

KARL ROVE, you might think? Karl Rove, Bushes anti gay marriage bulldog? The political Prop 8 proponent??

Is this the same Karl Rove who made us feel safe by saying;
"Marriage is a very important part of our culture and our society. If we want to have a hopeful and decent society, we ought to aim for the ideal."

"We cannot allow activist local elected officials to thumb their nose at 5,000 years of human history and determine that marriage is something [other than the traditional definition]."

Yes, this is the very same man, who once defended the rights of traditionalists to deny others their rights for so long and so very publicly.

He has been the right denying voice of the people for so long, how could this happen, and what did he do?

Well, he is getting a divorce.

"NO! NOT NOW KARL!"

You may be shouting.

"Not when we had so many people convinced that marriage is all about commitment, love, family, and legal rights, all while successfully denying others the commitment, love, family and legal rights that they are seeking!"

How can we continue to peer into the lives and relationships of others if our marriages greatest spokesperson betrays the very foundation of marriage?

But wait, Karl has something to say.

In a statement from (someone who we assume was Karl) to us here at "Evolution of an Idiot", he defends his position as this institution's most ardent defender.

Earlier today-

"You may think that getting a divorce goes against everything I have said about marriage, and that, if I betrayed those ideals, I would be revealed as merely a hateful and bigoted little man who plays with the rights and lives of others just to suit his career while working for the most evangelical president in US history but you would be wrong to think so. I am STILL traditional marriages most valiant believer. What many of you forget is that I was married before. This is my SECOND marriage, and I believe in the sanctity of this august institution so much, and with so much fervour that I am going to free myself up to do it a third time! The world can't have enough traditional marriages in it, and I need gods blessing again. I mean I am not going to my pastor to get this divorce, so clearly marriage is not a religious thing, and the legalities and ensuring equal treatment is paramount but believe me when I say that now that I have done it twice, my belief in everything that marriage stands for is stronger than ever. So much so that I can tell you this....
I WILL MARRY AGAIN!!"

Clearly this means that Karl Rove can now continue to demonstrate that his support for traditional marriage is stronger than ever by getting married for a THIRD time.

So I am sorry if I alarmed you. I am sorry if you thought that marriage was losing an ally, or that we would have to stop being so obsessed with the rights and relationships of others.
I just wanted you to hear the real story here first before crazy liberals distorted it, making Karl look like some sort of mean spirited, selfish and low brow hypocrite.

So rest easy, you can continue to fear what you don't understand, or what is unfamiliar because.....

Karl Rove is still on the job.

Peace

PS- No word as to whether or not his marriage was destroyed by the existence of gay marriage.

Stay tuned.

Santa is the reason for the season, or at least he should be.


Santa is a better holiday hero, a more moral master of festive ceremonies, and a better keeper of "christ"mas
than Christ ever was.

In a battle of the bestiary, lets look at why Santa should be at the center of our every holiday story, and why its time to retire the bronze age  head of Hanukkah (remember he WAS a Jew after all)

Here it is, Santa vs. divine Jesus in the battle of Christmas allegories. Who will teach the moral Christmas lessons to our children?

Lets find out;




On Promises

Santa actually comes when He says He will.

Jesus is about 2000 years late.

Santa promises presents and family Love for when he arrives.

Jesus promises a zombie apocalypse upon his return

I'll just hit snooze one more time, no one will notice...

EDGE-Santa



On love

Santa says love your neighbor and be good, or you will get no presents

Jesus says love HIM above all or you will be tortured forever.

WAIT! It's not like that! I just mean love me or I'll torture you forever....huh, I guess it IS like that.

EDGE-Santa



On charity

Santa loves even the poor, homeless and downtrodden. He even gives them jobs every year in malls around the world impersonating him.


Jesus says he loves everyone, but he doesn’t provide seasonal employment.

EDGE-Santa



Personality

Santa eats and laughs “HO HO HO!”

Jesus bleeds and weeps

EDGE-Santa



On voyeurism

Sadly Santa has this weakness And he seems to write a lot about what he sees (who is naughty and nice) but at least he isn’t judging us for our sex lives or butting in (pardon the pun) to tell us how to do it right. In fact he is happily married with issues of his own.

Like Santa, there is nothing closeted about Jesus’ love for voyeurism. It doesn't help that he was a sexually confused virgin who hung out with prostitutes. (On the bright side, His father is MUCH worse)

EVE! Don't cover them up, I was looking at those! 

EDGE- Even (as long as Jesus’ Dad stays out of it)



On women

Santa loves his ladies for who they are, not how they look. In fact, Mrs Claus a big woman
with a lot of self esteem.

Jesus- As long as they stay quiet in church, he likes ‘em fine

EDGE-Santa

On Tolerance

Santa loves everyone, whether they love him back or not. He doesn’t extort love, and he provides for even those who don’t believe in him.

Jesus has a private club, for which the price of admission is obedience and the cost of exclusion is the threat of eternal pain.

EDGE-Santa


On doing good deeds

Santa writes it all down on the good list if you actually DO good things

It is enough for Jesus if you just think about doing good things (prayer) instead of getting up off your knees and actually doing them.

Look at those guys using their arms and legs like chumps!

EDGE-Although Jesus’ way leaves more time for wrapping presents, I have to give the edge to Santa.



On his Moral Message

Santa says “be good” and he will reward you. This teaches children that being good, brings good back to them (they are expected to be able to tell right from wrong)

Jesus says “Being good is nice, but what REALLY matters, is loving ME, and obeying ME.” This teaches children blind obedience and doesn't allow for them to truly understand that morality is not just doing as you are told. It is doing what is RIGHT. PLUS, Jesus doesn't look kindly on disobedience, but can forgive immorality.

"Don't worry about those guys, they'll be fine.  LOVE ME!"

EDGE-Santa, he wants us to be good to one another. Jesus just wants obedience.


On disobedient children

Santa says.....strangely nothing, but those kids aren't likely to get much more than coal.

Jesus says "kill em" and will be pretty offended if you don't. Ask the Pharaohs!

EDGE-ummmm, lets just give Jesus a pass for old times sake here.


On Figs

Santa Loves ‘em

Jesus Hates ‘em.



EDGE- I would say even, because food tastes are so subjective, but Jesus REALLY hates figs, often going so far as to yell at them, and curse them. (Just ask the Westboro Baptist Church how much Jesus hates figs. They ARE saying “figs” aren't they?)
So I have to go with Santa, because of Jesus’ unhealthy obsession with this particular fruit.



9-0 (with one tie) in Santa's favour.

SANTA WINS IN A LANDSLIDE!!!

Eat it Jesus!

So if we really love our kids, lets teach our children about Santa instead of Jesus this year. He won’t threaten them if they decide not to believe one year, he won’t punish you for not loving him enough, he won’t diminish their ability to examine reality, he won’t lead them to judge his friends if they have ideas that differ from his own, but he WILL allow you to THINK about the needs of others instead of just doing what they are told.

So remember this Christmas (should we be calling it Clausmas from now on?) Jesus tells you to think about good things happening to others while you are loving him, Santa says “At least give them a call and wish them a Merry Christmas”


I have seen the morality play that is Christmas for 37 years now, and I can say that it is about time, that our seasons story matches the morality that we are trying to teach.

LONG LIVE SANTA AND........

A MERRY CLAUSMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!

(At least NOW you don’t have to worry about your lovely Christmas figs)

Congratulations Santa...Now I am totally going to kill you and your fig sympathizing elves....

Or do you???

Bizarre Bible Lessons-Part 3

Obedience

Found in Mark 11:13-14

This is a hard lesson for some. When do we obey? When do we think for ourselves? Well the bible lays this out very carefully in more than a few places if we are careful enough to see it. One such place is in a story from the pages of Mark, about Jesus and a walking trip to a far away temple in the town of Bethany.

So in this recounting of a clearly true event, we have Jesus walking all the way from Bethany, so understandably the messiah is a tad hungry. Having no water or loaves of bread to fashion into a feast he decides to look around.
"FIGS!"
he thought, "They're freakin awesome!" and he set about to find a tree to bear him lunch. When the holiest of holies and most pious messiah found this tree he approached it, giddy that soon he should ease his craving for figgy goodness. He approached this tree and his stomach fell when he spied the shock of all shocks.
It had no fruit!!!
"WTF?!?

Just because it's out of fig season, I have to stand here figless? I am the friggin son of GOD!" he said to the tree "NOW I am pissed. For the crime of not having fruit on you when it is convenient for me, regardless of the season, I have half a mind to use my magic to make you unable to give figs to ANYONE."

the tree remained figless

"You think I can't do it? I did it before. Ask the fig tree that annoyed me thusly in matthew 21:19!"

The fig tree stood motionless, almost defiant at Jesus words,
and still without figs.

"You force my hand disobediant fig tree."Jesus' magic swelled in his belly (or wherever magic swells when it is about to be used) and said
"No one will eat of your branches now and forever, I say this in my name!"
It was done.
The terrible tree was reduced to its roots, having learned its lesson. Jesus, still annoyed and more than a bit cranky from hunger and his complete lack of figgy satisfaction, thought that a bit of smiting might help to cheer him up. Distracted with the new direction that his day was about to take, he proceeded to violently take out his figless frustrations on the vendors who set up shop in his temple for completely ignoring the "no vendors" sign. With a new found vigour he went to work flipping tables, destroying wares, whipping people and yelling about the sign everyone ignored but through it all one thought resonated in his mind;

"Stupid fig tree"



Moral- Never forget that we are here only to serve every irrational whim and pleasure, never forget or he will smite you!

Bizarre Bible Lessons-Part 2

Part-2

Communication is the key to any relationship

Found in: Numbers 22:28-30


In a society filled with new age solutions to everything from depression to marital bliss, we find that the bible once again has the answers. Turn to the old ways of mutual communication and respect. No more need for birthing sessions, for psycho analysis, for therapy and no more need for divorce. Just follow the example of the donkey in the story of Balaam.

One day Balaam (a business man just minding his own...um.. business) was walking down a path with his donkey and two man servants on his way to the princes house, when one of those bully angels appeared, sword drawn, blocking his path. The donkey saw this and, as donkeys are logical creatures, ran away to save his master. Balaam wasn’t afraid of one little bully angel, so he was furious that the donkey had made him look like a wuss in front of his friends and beat that ass. "Now taketh me back to the path, jerk donkey!" he commanded. When they returned to the path, the bully angel was gone so they continued until the walls of a vineyard made the path narrow. Much to their dismay, blocking the path was the bully angel! Balaam wasn't going to take this from anyone, but the donkey had other plans. He wasn't going to stand here while his beloved master, the man who so kindly feeds him, allows him to carry all his stuff and who lets him stay tied up in the front of his house, got beat up by this bully. So he tried to run again. The donkey however is an animal of very poor foresight, so when he tried to run in the narrow pathway he crushed his masters foot against the wall. Balaam was furious now. Not only did the donkey make him look like a wuss (twice!) for trying to running away, but now he jammed his foot? There had to be a reckoning. He took his whip and began to beat donkey again. "Now get up and let’s face this bully, you jerk" Said Balaam. The donkey, seeing that his options were limited by space and the fury of his usually very reasonable master, fell to the ground cowering. "THAT IS IT!!!" sayeth Balaal. "The whip ist too good for thou, now feeleth the terrible sting of my staff!!!"
Now the donkey had taken quite enough of this abuse. After all, he was only looking out for his master. "What’s up?" Said the donkey "Why do you keep beating me? What did I ever do to you?"
Thinking nothing of the talking Donkey, Balaal quickly replied "Because you are a jerk and jerks deserve beatings. At least jerks who don't serveth me well as non jerk donkeys would. I wish that I had a sword, because I HATE jerk donkeys and I would choppeth you into many bits. THAT would teach you a lesson."
The donkey considered these words, thought about swearing or getting into a braying match but decided that talking things through might better enable a healthy relationship, especially with the bully angel still waiting to hand out his bullying. "Aren't I your donkey? Don't I let you ride me and stuff? Don't I carry your things and eat your garbage? Have I ever beaten you, when you make ME angry?" he reasoned.
Balaal was not an unreasonable man. He thought hard about what the jerk donkey had said. "No, it is true. You never beat me. Maybe you aren't a jerk donkey after all"

The bully angel saw this reconciliation and softened. "If your donkey had not turned from the path, I would have killed you. Seeing how you two made up has made me reconsider my killing you. Now that you two have made up, I will give you my mercy, mercy in the form of going to the princes house and saying nothing of this but what I let you say." He went to the princes, they had a great time sacrificing animals together (no jerk donkeys though) and people were so impressed with him not saying anything about what him being such an ass to his ass (which they had no idea about in the first place) that Balaal got lots of presents, and went to see all the grooviest things in Baal.
And the donkey? He was happy to carry all those presents and with no more beatings.

Moral; If you promise to keep your mouth shut about the bad things you do, rewards will come your way.
OR
Remember that the word of god comes from the most unlikely of places and that sometimes he might even speak out his ass.